Never Really There
by Genis Aurion
Summary: [slash, oneshot]. I always thought you'd be there. But you were never really there.


Oh gosh, I've been on a oneshot streak... I blame my friend Katie for this. She's been bugging me about helping her write her own oneshot, and so in the process I've been spewing out oneshots.

Again, this isn't exactly fluff, so it's not in my official collection.

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Never Really There  
_-Zakuyoe-_

I always thought you'd be here, but you were never really there.

Every time I needed you, you somehow came to my call. You came with pale hands, open palms, face beaming, hair ruffled, and dressed in all assortments, eager to help me to the best of your ability. Whether it was trying to get Wendy to like me, trying to figure out where to take her, dealing with our separation, or helping me return to my normal self, you somehow came to my call.

I wondered how a third grader was able of comprehending these emotions, but you were capable of such. Many your age don't understand human emotions, having such narrow minds and limited attention spans. You understood my feelings for Wendy, how much it pained me to see her walk by without talking to me, and how elated I felt being with her, and at times I wondered how you knew what it felt like without life experience. I guess you were capable of such.

But you were never really there.

I spent my whole childhood with you. The four of us: Cartman, Kenny, you, and myself. We went through a lot together; we roller bladed off your roof, TP'ed our 6th grade teacher's house, and sent a herd of cows rampaging off a cliff. We shared laughs, enjoyed simple presences, and slept underneath the same welcoming sun, and all the more I spent my whole childhood with you.

Each day, after a grueling and arduous day of school, still in our pathetic, newly instituted school uniforms, in the frigid weather while stepping on the fresh snow, we would walk to the frozen pond and sit on its edge. We'd talk about life, our own personal ways, the recent occurrences, and troubles plaguing us, along with anything else that fell in between. Skaters would fly by, gracefully in motion, with the occasional slip only to be brought back up to face the trials once more, and as we smiled at their efforts we sat on the frozen pond's edge.

But you were never really there.

We laughed and talked about what true love meant. I said it was someone a person felt attracted to. You said it was someone a person cared for. We both argued, fighting to see which was the more dominant form of love. Kenny decided that a person probably had to have both to truly love a person. We both ignored him, and still argued what love truly meant.

I had my first high school romance, and I assured you that I'd always be there for you. You nodded cautiously, scared that the girl I loved would replace the memories I held with you. You were scared to let go of the warm, sunny afternoons under the sun, or the days in the hospital with fractured knees, or the endless days at a pond's edge, and I incessantly reminded you I would never forget and that I would always be there for you.

But you were never really there.

We had fights. You challenged my love for her, so strong in your belief it frightened me. You accused her of stealing our moments, our time together, and your status as my best friend. In rationality, I disproved your claims, reasoning with you how little I spent with her. In irrationality, I threw the first punch, both in rage and in shock of your accusations. With her help we managed to control ourselves, but in the end we still had fights.

And then, I needed you once more. She suffered from terminal cancer, given only months to live. She had learned months ago, not wanting to tell me, and by the time I had found out she was already being hospitalized. The only image I could recall in my mangled mind was yours, remembering how, _somehow_, you always seemed to come to my call. I gave you a phone call, first speaking to Ike and, later, to you. I was in a mess, stopping every three words to catch my breath and my tears. She was dying, but to you it was only a way of showing me I needed you once more.

But you were never really there.

You listened to me, coldheartedly, giving the occasional recognition of my statements. I suffered as I tried telling you the story, but you barely spoke. I paused when I finished, wanting an opinion, but you could barely give me one; "I'm sorry." As basic as possible you told me you could do nothing about it, how you knew her so faintly that you wouldn't know how to help. Seemingly you were dismissing me, like a customer arriving at a store five minutes after closing. I spent my whole childhood with you, going through so much together, but the only thing you could do was listen to me.

When she died, I faced near death. I cried my heart out, yelling cries of pain and sorrow reaching Mars, Jupiter, and beyond. Her funeral was depressing, with family members, clad in black, some with veils, taking the time to dictate her life story. I couldn't take it, running outside to let go of imprisoned tears, unable to listen to such sorrow. Despite our arguments you showed up to the funeral, though by that time I was already facing near death.

But you were never really there.

I didn't want to lose the two people closest to me. I did everything in my power to inquire about the emotions you were displaying, why you had suddenly grown so harsh to me. You evaded me, refusing to even look at me, and my spirits dampened with each time it occurred. I still wanted you. I told you I would always be there for you, that I would never forget the times we shared together. But in my heart I knew that I had lost the last of the two people closest to me.

The day you decided you wouldn't be there for me was the day I took matters into my own hands. I approached you one gloomy afternoon, with clouds preparing to let loose a mighty blanket of snow and gusts of winds, pinning you to the wall and demanding an explanation. For the first time in three months I looked into your green eyes, and what I found there was both rage and sorrow. "I've always been there for you," he told me, "and the day _she_ entered your life was the day you left mine... that was the day I took matters into my own hands."

"What's this really all about?" I asked you, pressing harder on your shoulder blades. "You've been there for me in the past, when I was suffering. Why couldn't you do it now? Why does all this have to change because of _her_? There have been other _her_'s in my life. Why only now?" I examined the balls of your eyes, searching for some ulterior reasoning. "Kyle... what's this really all about?"

"You," was your response, and somehow it weakened my grip. "It's always been about you, Stan. All those times I was there for you... It was all because of you. I've cared for you. I've wanted you. The only reason I care _now_ is because I've just realized it. I like... you."

"I can't," I muttered, and immediately I saw the world crash through the window to your soul. "Kyle, I can't... reciprocate... I'm sorry. I just... can't."

"Why not?" you yelled, raising your voice while still trying to escape my grip. "We said true love was someone you cared for!" You looked at me with a saddened expression, both dejected and confused. "Stan, why not?"

"That's what Kenny said," I corrected, nodding apologetically. "Kyle, I just can't..." You turned your head away in shame, and before I could stop you, you ran swiftly down the halls. What had happened to my plan? All because of a skewed perception of what Kenny said...

Even then, I still didn't want to lose you. I called you that evening, more than ten times, and each time you didn't respond. I spent my whole childhood with you, and so suddenly this? It felt surreal, something I clearly didn't want. Nothing seemed to quench my black flames of despair, and with each unanswered phone call the flames only burned higher. Even now I didn't stop trying. There was no way I wanted to lose you.

But who was there to lose? You were never really there.

At long last you picked up, though seemingly frustrated. I did my best to help you, much as you had done so to me many years before. It was my turn to pay you back for all the years you helped me through my hard times, even if he had failed this most recent time, voluntarily. Somehow, despite my inability to properly convey my thoughts, you were starting to believe me. I would always be there for you; it was just my turn to pay you back for what you've done for me.

"Give me a chance," I said. "Meet me by the lake's edge... just one more time. Please Kyle? Give me a chance?"

"Okay." And perhaps that's why I'm here now. I believe in his words that he'll come sit with me by the lake's edge. I know we'll talk about life, indeed our own personal ways, definitely the recent occurrences and, more importantly, the troubles that were plaguing us. I know he'll come; in my heart I can tell I'm not the only one who wants things to be okay.

I always thought you'd be here, ever since I was small. You cared for me then, and you still care for me now. I know time repeats itself, and you're bound to come back to the pond's edge. I know that despite the memories and reminisces that accompany the frozen lake you'd still be here.

But then, perhaps that's why you aren't here now... The amount of emotions that I have caused, admittedly, still lingers in this place. Your want to be with me, and my desire to be with her. His frantic plea of crisis, and my concern of spending more time with her. His want for me, and my want for her. His heart grew cold, and mine to stone. Perhaps it is the reason why you aren't here now.

Then again, you really _were_ never there.

**-Fin-**

Please leave me a review! Reviews are well appreciated.

On a sidenote to my other story, Faith... I'm considering, sorry to say, not posting new chapters for a while... specifically, until _February 14th_. Because, chapter 28 deals with Valentine's Day. Please, if you don't mind seeing it earlier, tell me in form of a review, or PM. However, before I take any consideration of typing it earlier, I must start getting more reviews for 'Hope.' I'll be updating that story a LOT more in the meantime, while waiting for February to come.

_-Zak-_


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